Another one, gone.

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ARGH! WHY DOES WORDPRESS KEEP CHANGING MY FORMATTING?1?!?

I didn’t proofread this… so sorry if there are mistakes!

I’ve come to realize I express myself a lot better through writing than spoken words. When I speak I end up mumbling, stuttering, telling my story out of order, or leaving out information. The only reason I’m writing this blog is because it might contain hidden little things that I might not see now but will figure out in the future. I don’t know why, but that tends to happen to me with things I write. Plus, writing makes everything so much clearer to me than thoughts, so this’ll help me sort things out with my mind. I’m not sure I want this to be public, though. Then again, I don’t want it to be completely private either. Oh, wait… I can make it so it can only be read by people on my Preferred List! Wow, this is officially the Compromise of Reyna’s Blog and shit. Pretty much, if you can read this, I trust you or something (note that I wrote or something so don’t get fully comfortable and think that I absolutely trust you, hahaha). It’s funny… I’m not even writing this on a blog right now… this was first written during my very boring math class inside my notebook. Anyway… Welcome to the story of my break-up. There were many events that led to it, so I guess I’ll dedicate a paragraph to each of them and their sub-events and reasons (yes, I made an outline before I wrote this… gawd, i’m lame). Oh, another reason I decided to write about this was because I remembered that I had once noticed that after I write about something, it is so much easier to get over it. So here goes my attempt at getting over all this.

I guess one thing that sparked a lot of relationship problems was mere jealousy. In the beginning [I was created by the hands of man... j/k, that's way off topic] I wasn’t really used to being in a relationship, so I guess I acted the way I did with the rest of my male friends before I was in one (a relationship, that is). Like any other boyfriend, He (i’m just gonna refer to Him as “He” with a capital H [like i'm writing about God and shit, haha] because I hate using names) didn’t really like the way I would get physically close to guys I was already comfortable with. He let me know that it bothered Him, so I tried to stop the best I could, even though I would sometimes do it subconsciously. Within a few months, He was the only guy I would get close to and all was great. However, the time was nearing when I would graduate from high school and start attending college. He told me about all his fears regarding the relationship. He didn’t want me to meet another guy who would eventually be able to replace Him in my life. I promised Him I wouldn’t. I knew [I couldn't, I shouldn't, I mustn't] I wouldn’t, but He couldn’t help but have negative thoughts. Time passed by and my summer vacation came along (He was on track at Garfield, so he didn’t get a summer vacation). There were always certain people whom He’d be bothered when I talked to or about, or so he said. He was afraid I might develop my old feelings for them again or they might do something I wouldn’t be able to avoid. Contrary to his beliefs (or fears…), I never once thought of these people as anything more than just friends, even if we did have something more than friendship in the past. Thus, I fully trusted Him around his female friends because I knew (or thought) He felt the same way around them as I did around my male friends. I thought He might think I’d be foolish to possibly consider the fact that he’d develop feelings for any of his female friends. There were also many other factors that caused problems (such as my parents not letting me go out sometimes, or the way He’d misinterpret things i’d say) before the summer, but they’re not really worth writing about in depth at this point. So I guess I’ll just leave it at that. The way these things led up to the break-up (or relate to it, at any rate) will be explained later. I just needed to explain the background before anything.

Summer was finally over and it was time for me to attend school at ELAC. By then, He had already been in school for two months. I guess as time progressed, he had gotten used to me not being there all the time and started to hang out with his friends, most of whom are female. Not only that, they’re way prettier and I guess more fun to be around for him and stuff. He also started to notice even more how fun single life can be, since two of His other friends started messing around with each other, and I guess there were other influences around in the high school atmosphere. At one point, He had asked me something along the lines of “What is high school all about when it comes to serious relationships? Should one really try to keep it going, or just enjoy their high school years?” At this point I was like oh great… He wants to see other people. The fact that we don’t see each other the way we used to really did affect his feelings… or maybe it was something else. Who knows. I just wonder if it would’ve been every different if I was still in high school. So anyway… the day of the end of the relationship came very near and He was telling me about how he sort of wanted to enjoy His high school years and see other people, or maybe even just have fun with other people. Those of you that know about my past, know that I used to sorta mess around with people back in the day, but ever since I got with Him my mentality changed. I started to think those sorta things were wrong and one shouldn’t mess with others if they’re not really interested in them because one of them might end up getting hurt. Unfortunately, the opposite happened to Him. He was the one that had the “bricking it is way wrong” mentality when we first got together, but then as months passed I guess He started to realize maybe it wasn’t so bad, and he let me know that too. This was when I knew for sure He didn’t love me. When one is in love, one doesn’t see others like that or even considers messing around with other people. They only see the one they love as the one they want to be with. So I thought about all this and then decided, okay. He doesn’t love me. He probably doesn’t wanna be with me anymore. He seeks change and excitement in his life. Pretty much, he wants to live his teenage life without having to worry about the commitment of a relationship. Naturally, this hurt me since I was too attached to him to let go. But I also looked at the reality of it all and thought that maybe it was for his own good to end everything we had. I mean, what teenager doesn’t like fun and adventure? I know I loved trying new things in high school. I guess he just wanted to see other people. Those were his justifications. That was his reason for deciding to end it. I wasn’t okay with it at all (for my own selfish reasons… or for my girlfriendness, anyway), but I decided that yeah. If that’s the reason he was going to leave me, then so be it. I knew that if I did try to get Him back it wouldn’t really work, especially since I didn’t get to see Him as often and there are way better girls for him out there anyway… I’m merely a duck inside a lake of swans.

Ah, I need to give more background information here again. Okay, so when we first got together I had this paranoia that I was like a rebound girl for him, even though he had broken up with his ex about two months before or less. But within time, I learned to trust that He was faithful and wouldn’t use a girl. I guess at one point in the relationship, His ex had started talking to him again and they were starting to get along really well. And the thing about me is, pretty much every guy I was with before Him in high school (all two of them, hahaha), had pretty much dumped me because there was somebody else they were interested in. Because of this, I was getting kinda scared that he might develop feelings for her again and maybe end up leaving me for her, like the rest of them did. But alas, not much happened there. My paranoia went away and all was good for a while. At any rate… After that whole conversation about wanting to live a high school life, he added that there was also somebody else he was starting to find an interest in. This part just tore me apart. He might’ve even promised that he wouldn’t end it because there was somebody else in his life, I don’t really remember. But he knew damn well that I was scared this would happen at the beginning. But no, I decided I can trust Him around his female friends. As I explained in the second paragraph, I thought He wouldn’t think of any of them as more than friends, just as I never thought of my male friends that way. Eh… I was wrong. He found interest in another girl. Boo fucking hoo. The third time this happened to me and I still cried like a little bitch about it for like two straight days. I just couldn’t believe it. The one guy I trusted not to do that… and he did it too. Just when I had gained faith that they weren’t all jerks… he does that shit too. Whatever. Fuck that puto. He wouldn’t tell me who this other girl was, but I’m like 99.9% sure I know who it is because, I dunno… She seemed to be the only person he talked about those last days sometimes. And I hope I if things to work out for Him and her, that I don’t get to see them together anytime soon. Because I know that as much as I’m telling myself He’s an asshole for changing like that and all this shit, it’s still gonna kill me if I ever see them together. ‘Cause I know she’s like way prettier and they probably get along better, and apparently he can “be himself” around her (He ended up telling me He wasn’t himself a lot of the time when we were together because He wanted to be a “perfect bf.”) Buncha bullshit, I say… for now.

But yeah… that’s the story. He wants to live his life, AND he found somebody better than me [just like the rest of them]. What the hell did I get out of all this? Well, He had told me that at least now I know how to be a “better gf.” I say, It’s not about being a good girlfriend or boyfriend, I think it’s about acceptance. Clearly, I wasn’t what He was looking for. I have no idea how He dealt with me for nine months if he doesn’t even think he acted himself that whole time. Let’s see… what else? Ah. The one thing I changed because of Him and now i’m back to this mentality. Don’t trust people! They don’t always mean what they say! When it comes to me… guys will always find someone better because I’m not they’re type or just too much to take. And don’t give me this “ohhh. Come on, there’s someone out the for you” bullshit, because that’s what I thought when I gained trust in Him, but it totally backfired. So yeah… I’m not gonna trust guys too soon again. I wont get attached soon either. Was this relationship a mistake? Like all things, I don’t think there’s such thing as a mistake; only a lesson learned. And when you look back at it all, it wasn’t so bad. I mean, sure right now it hurts like a bitch to have lost somebody you learned to care for and love so much, especially because of somebody else. But I know that in the future, once I’ll over all this, I’ll see certain things that remind me of Him and the moments we had and think to myself something along the lines of “aww, that was cute” or “heh, those were some fun times.” But for now.. every memory like that will only make me feel even more like shit because I got so used to them and knowing that I’m never gonna be able to experience little things (yes, this is totally meant to be a double entendre) like that is just gonna hurt me for a while.