Another one, gone.

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ARGH! WHY DOES WORDPRESS KEEP CHANGING MY FORMATTING?1?!?

I didn’t proofread this… so sorry if there are mistakes!

I’ve come to realize I express myself a lot better through writing than spoken words. When I speak I end up mumbling, stuttering, telling my story out of order, or leaving out information. The only reason I’m writing this blog is because it might contain hidden little things that I might not see now but will figure out in the future. I don’t know why, but that tends to happen to me with things I write. Plus, writing makes everything so much clearer to me than thoughts, so this’ll help me sort things out with my mind. I’m not sure I want this to be public, though. Then again, I don’t want it to be completely private either. Oh, wait… I can make it so it can only be read by people on my Preferred List! Wow, this is officially the Compromise of Reyna’s Blog and shit. Pretty much, if you can read this, I trust you or something (note that I wrote or something so don’t get fully comfortable and think that I absolutely trust you, hahaha). It’s funny… I’m not even writing this on a blog right now… this was first written during my very boring math class inside my notebook. Anyway… Welcome to the story of my break-up. There were many events that led to it, so I guess I’ll dedicate a paragraph to each of them and their sub-events and reasons (yes, I made an outline before I wrote this… gawd, i’m lame). Oh, another reason I decided to write about this was because I remembered that I had once noticed that after I write about something, it is so much easier to get over it. So here goes my attempt at getting over all this.

I guess one thing that sparked a lot of relationship problems was mere jealousy. In the beginning [I was created by the hands of man... j/k, that's way off topic] I wasn’t really used to being in a relationship, so I guess I acted the way I did with the rest of my male friends before I was in one (a relationship, that is). Like any other boyfriend, He (i’m just gonna refer to Him as “He” with a capital H [like i'm writing about God and shit, haha] because I hate using names) didn’t really like the way I would get physically close to guys I was already comfortable with. He let me know that it bothered Him, so I tried to stop the best I could, even though I would sometimes do it subconsciously. Within a few months, He was the only guy I would get close to and all was great. However, the time was nearing when I would graduate from high school and start attending college. He told me about all his fears regarding the relationship. He didn’t want me to meet another guy who would eventually be able to replace Him in my life. I promised Him I wouldn’t. I knew [I couldn't, I shouldn't, I mustn't] I wouldn’t, but He couldn’t help but have negative thoughts. Time passed by and my summer vacation came along (He was on track at Garfield, so he didn’t get a summer vacation). There were always certain people whom He’d be bothered when I talked to or about, or so he said. He was afraid I might develop my old feelings for them again or they might do something I wouldn’t be able to avoid. Contrary to his beliefs (or fears…), I never once thought of these people as anything more than just friends, even if we did have something more than friendship in the past. Thus, I fully trusted Him around his female friends because I knew (or thought) He felt the same way around them as I did around my male friends. I thought He might think I’d be foolish to possibly consider the fact that he’d develop feelings for any of his female friends. There were also many other factors that caused problems (such as my parents not letting me go out sometimes, or the way He’d misinterpret things i’d say) before the summer, but they’re not really worth writing about in depth at this point. So I guess I’ll just leave it at that. The way these things led up to the break-up (or relate to it, at any rate) will be explained later. I just needed to explain the background before anything.

Interesting, the way things turn out to be

they all left her for that one reason.
he was never the type to do that,
especially after he knew that about her.
she took some time and learned to trust.
around certain others, he still had a few doubts.
she never thought of anyone else like that.
he also thought the same.
as time passed by he 'came afraid
she might meet others and feelings would change.
she never saw another soul that sort of way,
but she guessed it was time for a change.
after months of gaining trust and confidence that this couldn't possibly happen.
her first worst fears finally came true.
he started to think in a whole different way.
the things she changed because of him,
he was starting to realize maybe weren't so bad,
when he had been the one telling her he would never do that.

hahah. i love the way i don't make any sense... i think.
maybe i do... fuck if i know. whatever.

To sleep, perchance to dream...

Ay, there's the rub... my dreams are fucking killing me >_<.
Not really... just making me feel like shit every time I wake up.

They keep making me feel like shit about my relationship. Like, I know I'm not the same person in my dreams that I am in real life, so I don't know why they keep making me think so much. It's kinda weird... most of them have been actual sex dreams, or dreams where I'm dating other people and stuff. Hard to explain in words, really.

Months ago, I had one with this guy (let's call him Chad). It wasn't that hardcore of a dream, but the fact that I came on to him while knowing I was in a relationship bothered me. Chad didn't do much about it either, he just kinda went along with everything. It was even worse when my boyfriend caught me and didn't even seem to care. I was like wtf, I cheat on you and you act like nothing happened?

A bit later, I had another cheating dream. I don't remember it all that well anymore, but I'll try and write it the best I can. I don't remember where we were, but this guy (let's call him Cody) was talking to me and we were getting along really well. I knew I already had a boyfriend and that I was super happy with him. He was pretty much in the back of my mind the whole time I was talking to Cody. By the end of the conversation, Cody asked me to get with him. I just smiled at him and said "sure." Then in my head I was like, wtf? Why'd I say that? I have a boyfriend already. Okay, whatever. Cody's pretty hot anyway. Later on I go with some friends, and Cody's there too... and it's as though nothing ever happened between me and him, so I was like okay, I guess he wasn't serious. Good. All my friends walked somewhere else and I stayed alone at a carnival with Cody's twin brother (let's call him Zack, lmao). Zack started talking to me and being really sweet. Cody was more cool than he was sweet, but Zack was being like the sweetest guy I ever met. By that point, I had already forgotten that something had sorta happened between me and Cody. Zack put his arm around me, and gave me a little kiss... then Cody walked in and wanted to cry because of what he had just witnessed. He was like "wtf? I thought we had something... what ever happened to us?" I explained to him that he never even acted like a real boyfriend around me so I didn't think he was serious. Somehow I ended up "breaking up" with both of them and being glad that my actual boyfriend wasn't there to witness anything or get hurt, so it was like nothing ever happened. I dunno...